18th January 2014

Heyoo readers, sorry again for posting this late. I fell asleep last night before managing to post it up... :S

Last night I had signed out a bit too early. She called me shortly after saying she was watching some videos on youtube after watching a link I had sent to her so I was okay with that. But what happened afterwards was what got me upset even more. We talked, and I just kept feeling worse and worse.. I brought up the fact that I don't think i'm good enough for her, and that I'm doing nothing but causing her pain and grief. I told her I felt like shit because I'm never able to "be there for her" when she needs someone the most. Her reply was something she's been saying for quite a while, but it still hurt nonetheless... "Its practice for when you go overseas to study". But that's where my fear kicked in...
If she gets used to me not being there for her, and gets used to not talking to me...
Wouldn't that just lead to her not feeling the need for me anymore? Wouldn't that just cause a drift in our relationship? Wouldn't it mean she won't feel the need to talk to me or want me to be by her side anymore? These questions are honestly bothering me a lot.

She couldn't sleep last night so she sent a msg to me at 5+ in the morning saying things like "Nobody is perfect and although we don't have common ground on certain things but I guess we have other things that bind us"...
I guess?
That was a real kick in the balls for me...

She'd rather accept the situation and adapt to it because its easier to keep going that way.
She's said what she said because it'll be too difficult for her to handle things for when I leave overseas to study for 2 years...
She also added "Whats the point if this goes on and all I have to do is just be okay with it? Whats the point of having someone, but they cant be there for you and are not there most of the time?"
I have tried my absolute best. There isn't much more that I could have done. Every opportunity given, I've taken to go out with her in times she needed, and for the sake of being with each other as well.
I'm nothing but a screw up in everything. I can't take care of the girl I love, I can't entertain her, I can't comfort her, and worst of all, I can't make her smile anymore. Each time she's seen me in the past week or 2, she glances over at me as if I'm just a stranger to her.

Its early in the morning... And I'm already so moody. Nice. Wonder whats in store for me today.

So i'm back from Mid Valley... And it wasn't a good day as expected. Honestly, its on the verge of breaking already. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I want to keep this relationship, but i'm afraid of hurting her any further.

Today, the only good thing that happened is when I went out for dinner. Seeing them just made my day... Although it was only temporary. I ended up opening up to them and told them the story of whats going on... Things are getting worse... And even after I had thought things were already at its worst, it managed to get worse even more...

I had a drink, a glass of wine... And now have a terrible headache... I just want to knock out now... But can't because we're still chatting... And its not getting any prettier...

Well, I just told her the reason behind everything I've done. My head is still pounding. And I want to cry, but i'm not person that cries. There was a post i've seen before that said people who can't cry are weak? Well that felt so much like me. I'm a weak person...

Puked 2 times and KO'ed... Haih... Last night wasn't all that good at all...

#jout