Hey there, today shall officially be my first post? Hehe, the previous one was basically an intro to those who wants to know a little bit about me. And yes, first posts are normally those that catches peoples eyes and drives them to keep coming back to read future posts... But today didn't turn out the way I had wanted it to. In fact, it was worse than what I had expected.... So brace yourselves for a relatively boring and upsetting (for me) story of my day.
Today has been a rough day for me... Not physically nor mentally, but emotionally.. The past 2 days have been quite tough... I couldn't think of what to say and how to say it for some reasons... (Just a heads up, but please don't be so quick to judge alright?)
So today I woke up and did my usual routine and wished her good morning... But for some reason there wasn't any reply... For several hours. I reached college at 8 oclock to play basketball, and as she came for class at 9.15, i went to her car and wanted to see her... But she looked at me as if i was some stranger. Didn't open the window, didn't unlock the car...
I went over to the driver side and she winded down the window halfway... I saw her whatsapping other people... My name wasn't even at the top anymore (This happened at least 2 hours after I sent her the msg)... Whats worse was I saw the name of the person she was currently whatsapping and my fear had become a reality...
Due to past experiences, I refrained myself to expose his number to my friends for this exact reason. And there I saw my fear come true. I thought it was alright, she promised that she wouldn't fall for her and stuff like that... But that's not what i'm afraid off.. I know he (my best friend) wouldn't do anything of such to hurt me.. Well not intentionally at least. My fear was that she might get really close to him, and somehow get closer to him more than me, even if she doesn't fall for him. This has happened before and it felt terrible.
I walked her to her class and barely anything was said among the two of us. I proceeded to play basketball with some others.
After we finished playing basketball, we ate mac donalds and waited for her to finish her class to have lunch together (I wasn't originally invited for lunch). I asked if I could join her for lunch and her reply was "anything"... This said a few things to me:
1. She doesn't want to see me.
2. She doesn't want to admit it because she's afraid I might get offended.
So yeah I ended up joining for lunch. And it was hell for me. We didn't say a word to one another. Thankfully it was in a group so it wasn't too awkward. But the silence between us had my heart aching a lot... After lunch we walked to our cars to head home, and she was with her friend at least 15-20 paces ahead of me. I just couldn't do anything about it. I didn't know what to do as well. We split ways without even hugging... When I reached home, I took a long shower and napped. I was just too emotionally stressed from what happened. When I woke up we managed to start whatsapping a little bit... But not like we used to.. There were still things that were off.
Back to why I said don't be so quick to judge just now, there are several reason as to why i'm finding this so difficult. Those of which i will not say, but they are legit reasons for her unnatural behavior.
So yeah, now is 11.45, we've been in a call for slightly over 12 minutes and not much is being said.. The reason for this call is because she had some things on her mind that were bugging her. But alas, not much is being said... Currently, i'm hoping the fact that i'm with her through the call will make a difference in her mood even if its in the slightest bit. Although I am getting a bit annoyed at the fact that she's muted me a few times, and when i asked what she's doing she says "nothing"... Furthermore, i just asked why didn't she reply me in the morning, her response was "i was about to"... I mean, if somebody was about to reply another person, you wouldn't really reply other people, close the application, and wait for him/her to ask if they are angry at them for something before they reply. I'm sorry but I'm genuinely really ticked off but I know I need to keep being patient because if both of us stop trying... Then that's when everything will go downhill. Even if one of us stops trying, the other still has a chance to make it work out and get the other half to continue trying sooner or later... And this is what i'm hoping for...
Today has been a really difficult day for me, but I know what i'm dealing with now is far from what she is going through. And that is the reason i'm being as patient as i possibly can. If I were to snap, and rage at her, everything will fall apart. And hells to the no am i going to allow that to happen.
Although i'm in pain, its not something that is unbearable. I will continue to persevere regardless of how painful it will become.
#jout
(I'm gonna use 'jout' now as a closer to my blogs from now on. Short for Jon-Out)
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