18th January 2014

Heyoo readers, sorry again for posting this late. I fell asleep last night before managing to post it up... :S

Last night I had signed out a bit too early. She called me shortly after saying she was watching some videos on youtube after watching a link I had sent to her so I was okay with that. But what happened afterwards was what got me upset even more. We talked, and I just kept feeling worse and worse.. I brought up the fact that I don't think i'm good enough for her, and that I'm doing nothing but causing her pain and grief. I told her I felt like shit because I'm never able to "be there for her" when she needs someone the most. Her reply was something she's been saying for quite a while, but it still hurt nonetheless... "Its practice for when you go overseas to study". But that's where my fear kicked in...
If she gets used to me not being there for her, and gets used to not talking to me...
Wouldn't that just lead to her not feeling the need for me anymore? Wouldn't that just cause a drift in our relationship? Wouldn't it mean she won't feel the need to talk to me or want me to be by her side anymore? These questions are honestly bothering me a lot.

She couldn't sleep last night so she sent a msg to me at 5+ in the morning saying things like "Nobody is perfect and although we don't have common ground on certain things but I guess we have other things that bind us"...
I guess?
That was a real kick in the balls for me...

She'd rather accept the situation and adapt to it because its easier to keep going that way.
She's said what she said because it'll be too difficult for her to handle things for when I leave overseas to study for 2 years...
She also added "Whats the point if this goes on and all I have to do is just be okay with it? Whats the point of having someone, but they cant be there for you and are not there most of the time?"
I have tried my absolute best. There isn't much more that I could have done. Every opportunity given, I've taken to go out with her in times she needed, and for the sake of being with each other as well.
I'm nothing but a screw up in everything. I can't take care of the girl I love, I can't entertain her, I can't comfort her, and worst of all, I can't make her smile anymore. Each time she's seen me in the past week or 2, she glances over at me as if I'm just a stranger to her.

Its early in the morning... And I'm already so moody. Nice. Wonder whats in store for me today.

So i'm back from Mid Valley... And it wasn't a good day as expected. Honestly, its on the verge of breaking already. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I want to keep this relationship, but i'm afraid of hurting her any further.

Today, the only good thing that happened is when I went out for dinner. Seeing them just made my day... Although it was only temporary. I ended up opening up to them and told them the story of whats going on... Things are getting worse... And even after I had thought things were already at its worst, it managed to get worse even more...

I had a drink, a glass of wine... And now have a terrible headache... I just want to knock out now... But can't because we're still chatting... And its not getting any prettier...

Well, I just told her the reason behind everything I've done. My head is still pounding. And I want to cry, but i'm not person that cries. There was a post i've seen before that said people who can't cry are weak? Well that felt so much like me. I'm a weak person...

Puked 2 times and KO'ed... Haih... Last night wasn't all that good at all...

#jout

17th January 2014

What's crackalakin readers :). Today has been a dull day for me. And when I say dull, I don't mean boring. I mean it in the sense that it was annoying and I didn't like it. 

I had woken up past 11am, which I had figured was a start of a good day because I had sufficient sleep. But when we had gone for lunch as a family I instantly felt tired and fatigue. I don't think it was because I overslept, or slept too little.. But it was just the presence of being around them that made me so weary. After lunch we had gone home and I was forced to follow my brother to send his phone to the workshop to be checked. Although I didn't really say anything about not wanting to go, I had no choice either way because he didn't know where it was.

When we got home (again), I just wanted to relax upstairs in my room... Something I have NEVER been able to do peacefully during the day because being the youngest child of the family, I have never really been given 'alone' time to myself at home. I was always forced to be downstairs whether it was watching tv or being in the study room unlike my brothers who were allowed to study in their rooms, or just relax and do whatever in their rooms. 

Today, I just have a feeling of staying in my room. I don't want to see anybody at all... Well, if given the opportunity, of course I would love to see her.. But she's gone out with another friend and well, yeah I wouldn't be allowed to go out anyway. I just want to laze on my bed. But when I got into my room, my eldest brother had made me go downstairs barely 15 minutes after getting on my bed to watch a movie with my parents and him. Finally the movie ended, I had returned to my bed and my father comes upstairs to call me to go out for a walk? I mean, hey, i'm going through the age where I just wanna be on my own, in my room, doing whatever the hell I want to do... No, actually i'm almost passed with that stage I think. I'm 19, starting my degree program soon, and I have yet to experience just being alone in my room without seeing anybody. Both my brothers were given that opportunity the moment they had entered college, but no. Being the youngest I've got the responsibility to keep my parents company 24/7. It was worse when my brothers went overseas and I had all the attention to myself.. 

Sorry for ranting, lol I know its annoying to read somebody ranting online.. But what I had just said, is very relatable to other people who are the youngest in their family. Its not an easy tasks being the youngest. Unless you open up your heart and see the troubled times that we've faced and never spoke about, you'd never understand how difficult it is. 

So yeah back to my day.... I've been stressing on her birthday planning for ages and I've just only started the invitation today. Its 7pm and I think I've gotten the invitation done with some help.. But their reply... Not really welcoming because practically all of them said "I'll get back to you tomorrow". I'm going to hold on to their words and pester them like shit tomorrow xD. Now the following problem is, how am I going to collect her present? The weekend is approaching.. Well, as already approached and I still haven't a clue how i'm going to get it... Its gonna be tough. Well, i'm sure i'll figure something out. 

Moving on, I went for dinner with my family and yeah, I expected it to come and it did. Small problem with the usual 2, but it didn't last. I got back to my room without too much trouble.

She went somewhere with a friend tonight as well and I asked her to maybe bring me there one day, but it doesn't seem like she was too keen of doing so... That she suggested bringing my friend along. Yeah, that kinda ticked me off. I know its a stupid thing to be so concerned and pissed off at because its such a small thing but I really don't feel comfortable with them being so close... Close to the fact that i'm getting vibes that they are getting closer to each other than I am with her. 

Oh, and when I asked my brother to have the car for 1 damned day, he's making a fuss about it. For fucks sake, he takes the car out every damned day! When was the last time I took the car out for "fun"? Every time I take the car out its either for lunch, or to college. Which isn't very often. I mean, i'm asking for 1 day! Is it that difficult to stay at home maybe? Or to get a friend to pick him up!? For 1 God forsaken day! 

Back to my day, haha sorry for going out of topic a few times back there.. She called me after she dropped her friend back home as she made her way home because she was scared to be alone. And as she got home she said she'd call me back so I waited. And waited... And waited. Much like a stalker, I checked her last seen at 12.18am and saw her it was a minute ago, so I proceeded and asked what she was doing. Now is 12.37am and i'm just going to wait for her reply. Whether she replies me before I sleep or not, I have no reason to keep pestering her to answer me. I'm not sure if she's asleep or not so I'll leave it as it is. 

As for now, i'm signing off, I'll see you readers tomorrow :)

#jout

16th January 2014

Hey readers. Sorry I kinda missed yesterdays post... Posting this up slipped my mind. A summary of yesterday, not bad :)

I had typed down most of everything last night so... Everything is based on yesterday, so when it says last night, I mean 2 days ago at night. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

As you guys know, last night was a tough night.. And I kinda posted it up a bit too early.. I now know why she's been stressing so much and the gap between us had widened. I had made a mistake similar to one I made barely 2 weeks ago... And I caused her such pain... I didn't even know it, this just proves my ignorance.

Well, that was last night, and I wanted to make things at least a little bit better so I planned to leave my house at around 7.40 to meet her before she entered class at 8.... Unfortunately, I kind of overslept a tad bit, and left my house only at 7.50. By the time I had reached college at 7.57, she had already parked and entered her class. So I waited for 9.30, her break and met her.

Her class ended early so she was waiting outside her next class, and as I came unnoticed, I gave her a hug from behind. I'm not sure what she was thinking or feeling but I hope it at least made her feel more... Secured? I'm not sure.. But I didn't know what else I could do to make it up to her. 

So yeah, after she entered her class, I set off on my journey to my degree orientation! 

Heheh, funny story about this is that although its the degree i'm going to be taking, I crashed the intake before mine's orientation. I'm originally supposed to join in February, but entered the January's orientation. Alongside my pre-university friends, we survived the long day with relatively sufficient entertainment to keep us alive and made our way back home. 

Shortly after I got back, I had a small snack before going to the gym with my best bud. We had Nandos for dinner and although he did something that I didn't like... (Refer to January 15th post)... I didn't show any signs of discomfort and let it slide because I didn't want to ruin our dinner. Our other best bud joined us before our food had arrived and we talked for quite a bit about random stuff.

Walked to their houses and talked to their mothers, and spent quite a bit of time discussing what and how to handle the 20th of January (her birthday). Yeah, i'm kind of stressing out not knowing where to have dinner.. I've got just over 3 more days to plan and I have yet to initiate the invitations... 

Yeah, i'm a screw-up, but hey.. I'm doing my best... I really am... But for some reason, my best just isn't good enough. Don't get me wrong, the "not good enough" i'm talking about isn't just for her, but for myself as well because by disappointing her, i'm disappointing myself... A lot more than you may think... 

So yeah moving on, I came home and she had something similar to a date with another guy friend. I'm being honest here when I say i'm okay with it, because she had told me already. Plus its not a date, its just a get-together with a close buddy of hers :). The only thing that makes me worry, is when she doesn't reply me after over an hour. Yeah I may seem like a stalker by checking her last seen every now and then, but if she has yet to come online then there's nothing to think about because she might be just having a good time and doesn't check her phone? That happens to everybody so I can't say much. 

But when she comes online 1.5 hours after my last msg was sent, and goes offline again without replying me. Yes, that hurts. A lot. Of course, I can't expect much, so i'm telling myself to be patient because I did hurt her a lot more... She might just need time to settle in and hopefully forgive me.. 

Well, she came back and replied me and we started talking normally again for a while.

I guess things turned out alright in the end.. We managed to talk and she fell asleep soundly which placed my heart and mind at ease. :)

15 January 2014

Hey there, today shall officially be my first post? Hehe, the previous one was basically an intro to those who wants to know a little bit about me. And yes, first posts are normally those that catches peoples eyes and drives them to keep coming back to read future posts... But today didn't turn out the way I had wanted it to. In fact, it was worse than what I had expected.... So brace yourselves for a relatively boring and upsetting (for me) story of my day.

Today has been a rough day for me... Not physically nor mentally, but emotionally.. The past 2 days have been quite tough... I couldn't think of what to say and how to say it for some reasons... (Just a heads up, but please don't be so quick to judge alright?)
So today I woke up and did my usual routine and wished her good morning... But for some reason there wasn't any reply... For several hours. I reached college at 8 oclock to play basketball, and as she came for class at 9.15, i went to her car and wanted to see her... But she looked at me as if i was some stranger. Didn't open the window, didn't unlock the car...

I went over to the driver side and she winded down the window halfway... I saw her whatsapping other people... My name wasn't even at the top anymore (This happened at least 2 hours after I sent her the msg)... Whats worse was I saw the name of the person she was currently whatsapping and my fear had become a reality...
Due to past experiences, I refrained myself to expose his number to my friends for this exact reason. And there I saw my fear come true. I thought it was alright, she promised that she wouldn't fall for her and stuff like that... But that's not what i'm afraid off.. I know he (my best friend) wouldn't do anything of such to hurt me.. Well not intentionally at least. My fear was that she might get really close to him, and somehow get closer to him more than me, even if she doesn't fall for him. This has happened before and it felt terrible.
I walked her to her class and barely anything was said among the two of us. I proceeded to play basketball with some others.

After we finished playing basketball, we ate mac donalds and waited for her to finish her class to have lunch together (I wasn't originally invited for lunch). I asked if I could join her for lunch and her reply was "anything"... This said a few things to me:
1. She doesn't want to see me.
2. She doesn't want to admit it because she's afraid I might get offended.
So yeah I ended up joining for lunch. And it was hell for me. We didn't say a word to one another. Thankfully it was in a group so it wasn't too awkward. But the silence between us had my heart aching a lot... After lunch we walked to our cars to head home, and she was with her friend at least 15-20 paces ahead of me. I just couldn't do anything about it. I didn't know what to do as well. We split ways without even hugging... When I reached home, I took a long shower and napped. I was just too emotionally stressed from what happened. When I woke up we managed to start whatsapping a little bit... But not like we used to.. There were still things that were off.

Back to why I said don't be so quick to judge just now, there are several reason as to why i'm finding this so difficult. Those of which i will not say, but they are legit reasons for her unnatural behavior.

So yeah, now is 11.45, we've been in a call for slightly over 12 minutes and not much is being said.. The reason for this call is because she had some things on her mind that were bugging her. But alas, not much is being said... Currently, i'm hoping the fact that i'm with her through the call will make a difference in her mood even if its in the slightest bit. Although I am getting a bit annoyed at the fact that she's muted me a few times, and when i asked what she's doing she says "nothing"... Furthermore, i just asked why didn't she reply me in the morning, her response was "i was about to"... I mean, if somebody was about to reply another person, you wouldn't really reply other people, close the application, and wait for him/her to ask if they are angry at them for something before they reply. I'm sorry but I'm genuinely really ticked off but I know I need to keep being patient because if both of us stop trying... Then that's when everything will go downhill. Even if one of us stops trying, the other still has a chance to make it work out and get the other half to continue trying sooner or later... And this is what i'm hoping for...

Today has been a really difficult day for me, but I know what i'm dealing with now is far from what she is going through. And that is the reason i'm being as patient as i possibly can. If I were to snap, and rage at her, everything will fall apart. And hells to the no am i going to allow that to happen.

Although i'm in pain, its not something that is unbearable. I will continue to persevere regardless of how painful it will become.

#jout
(I'm gonna use 'jout' now as a closer to my blogs from now on. Short for Jon-Out)

Brief intro of myself

Hi there.. This is kinda my first official blog so bear with me for a bit as I try to accustom myself to blogging :).

Well, my name is Jon and I turn 19 this year. The reason I'm making this blog is mainly because I feel the need to let things out by any means available. Unfortunately, twitter is no longer an option for me as I have recently accepted my brother as a follower... Its not that I have a bad relationship with him, but mainly cause I feel uncomfortable with him reading my rage tweets. But this doesn't only apply to my brother, but to all my friends as well... I'm a complicated guy.

Another reason I've created this blog is to talk about my daily life in a more personal manner? To explain what I mean... Is basically twitter and facebook posts appear in everyone's timeline, and they will read it whether intentionally or not. As for blogs, if I'm not mistaken only shows the title of the blog. This therefore limits the readers in the sense that my followers will read it only if they care? Or at least feel a sense that they want to know instead of accidentally reading and pretending to care. Of course I may be wrong by saying such blunt words but this is the vibe I've been getting for the past few years and apologise to those who feel offended. 

So yeah, I'm going to be posting my daily activities (hopefully) everyday. Probably before I go to sleep so I can jot down everything that happened while I was awake. 

I'm open to positive criticism in your comments (if comments are possible at all because I honestly have no clue how blogspot works) xP

And as a heads up, I apologise in advance for my future anger that I might post up. 

I kind of wanted to start my first day now at 3.36am, to talk about what I'm feeling currently which is not exactly in the 'okay' zone... But I figured I should have an intro that talks about me in general and the reason I started this blog rather than complain :P.

In short, this is going to become my public diary open for anyone and everyone (hopefully not family members and or friends I feel uncomfortable with).. don't worry though, because you wont know if I'm uncomfortable with you or not because in person, I appear to be comfortable with everyone I know :3

Hope to see you again? O.o

is this how people normally end their blog? 

Oh well, I'll get it eventually :)