So like, its been well over a year since I last posted up a blog. I'm currently in University of New South Wales (UNSW) now studying commerce. From going through my previous posts, I can see that this past year has had absolutely no progress. In fact, it has the complete opposite effect as to what I had hoped would happen. Nothing got better....
So, long story short of what happened in the last year... We broke up. I made a huge mistake to jump into conclusion thinking that she wanted me to break up with her. Reasons as to why I thought that, were several.. But I'd rather not go down that painful memory lane..
It was somewhere around the 12th to the 16th of March in 2014 that it happened, and for the first time in my life... I cried for someone other than myself.
Ever since that dreadful day, tears seem to come out of me so much easier... Much like how it did when I was a lot younger.
I can't fully explain why, but it even wanted to get over it. Because when we stopped talking, we literally tried to avoid each other the entire time in college. I couldn't bring myself to face her... But in all honesty, it might have been me that was avoiding her. She's always been so much more mature than I ever was, or ever will be. In terms of knowing what needs to be done, prioritizing, handling situations and many many more. I just couldn't look her in the face...
It came to a point after a few months that I even wanted to get over her. I used to tell myself, that if she ever did hook up with "him", I wouldn't give a damn.. I kept telling myself that countless times. To a point, I almost completely believed myself. My brain's thoughts, overshadowed my heart's..
It was at this moment that my emotions drifted so far away from my heart, that it started resorting to listening to my brains and this is where the story gets really messy...
I had a rebound. But based on what I just stated, although its not a good one, although what I did can't and shouldn't EVER be forgiven... That's the reason... I kept telling myself I had gotten over her, that I started going out with another girl. We did many things together, but we still kept our virginity. I'll be honest, I was tempted... More than I ever was before in my life. The temptations, were lead on by the emotions my brain kept telling me I had. Not my heart..
'She' came to college once to meet up with her friends after she finished her semester and transferred to Monash campus in Sunway... And apparently saw me and the girl I was dating wearing matching t-shirts. (stripes). I'm not sure if she remembers or not, but the only reason I had that shirt was because she told me before that she had a thing for striped shirts.. Also, it was purely coincidental that we matched our clothings.
Several months into dating that girl, (though I had thought of asking her to make it official, I didn't), I had a Whatsapp message from 'her'... And my feelings went over the rainbows...
She had asked me to help her in her studies by providing the Melawati house for her to study in as a change in environment because she felt the need for it. The feelings I had, when we first confessed to each other through Skype, was amazing. And I had the exact feelings when that happened. Probably not as strong as before, but it was immense happiness. It was tough, but I was dating the other girl and I felt like I couldn't cheat on her or lie to her... So I eventually turned her down on her request..
Since that day, I kept thinking of her every single day... That was roughly... August 2014? Until today, I have tried to make it a point for me to say something to her everyday..
We had met two times... Once, was on October... 2 days after our 'supposed' anniversary.. 2 days after Tina... My doberman who had been with me for a decade... Half my entire life she was with me.. I still miss her so much.. When she passed away.......
....
I'm sorry, but it still hurts... I'll leave that story for another post..
When we met on the 6th of October, we managed to talk for a bit... And I had confessed once again that I liked her. We talked about it over dinner... And she clarified that she doesn't feel the same way as she used to towards me anymore...
But even though I know that fact, I still don't want to give up on her... I don't know why. Its been a year since the breakup... Yet, I still want her in my life... So badly... It can't just be the memories of having a girlfriend that I miss because if it WAS that, then my rebound would have sufficed more than enough because she was even willing to give her pride away for me... (I'll leave that for another post as well).
Lately, she's been ignoring my messages to her.. But again, if there was anything I had learned, its to not assume things that could lead me astray from the truth. And that I shouldn't assume things because it may be very untrue... Its a scar I have in my heart, that I want to keep forever so I don't mess anything as much anymore... Hopefully, I never will.
No comments:
Post a Comment