From March 2014, to March 2015

So like, its been well over a year since I last posted up a blog. I'm currently in University of New South Wales (UNSW) now studying commerce. From going through my previous posts, I can see that this past year has had absolutely no progress. In fact, it has the complete opposite effect as to what I had hoped would happen. Nothing got better....

So, long story short of what happened in the last year... We broke up. I made a huge mistake to jump into conclusion thinking that she wanted me to break up with her. Reasons as to why I thought that, were several.. But I'd rather not go down that painful memory lane..

It was somewhere around the 12th to the 16th of March in 2014 that it happened, and for the first time in my life... I cried for someone other than myself.
Ever since that dreadful day, tears seem to come out of me so much easier... Much like how it did when I was a lot younger.

I can't fully explain why, but it even wanted to get over it. Because when we stopped talking, we literally tried to avoid each other the entire time in college. I couldn't bring myself to face her... But in all honesty, it might have been me that was avoiding her. She's always been so much more mature than I ever was, or ever will be. In terms of knowing what needs to be done, prioritizing, handling situations and many many more. I just couldn't look her in the face...

It came to a point after a few months that I even wanted to get over her. I used to tell myself, that if she ever did hook up with "him", I wouldn't give a damn.. I kept telling myself that countless times. To a point, I almost completely believed myself. My brain's thoughts, overshadowed my heart's..

It was at this moment that my emotions drifted so far away from my heart, that it started resorting to listening to my brains and this is where the story gets really messy...

I had a rebound. But based on what I just stated, although its not a good one, although what I did can't and shouldn't EVER be forgiven... That's the reason... I kept telling myself I had gotten over her, that I started going out with another girl. We did many things together, but we still kept our virginity. I'll be honest, I was tempted... More than I ever was before in my life. The temptations, were lead on by the emotions my brain kept telling me I had. Not my heart..

'She' came to college once to meet up with her friends after she finished her semester and transferred to Monash campus in Sunway... And apparently saw me and the girl I was dating wearing matching t-shirts. (stripes). I'm not sure if she remembers or not, but the only reason I had that shirt was because she told me before that she had a thing for striped shirts.. Also, it was purely coincidental that we matched our clothings.

Several months into dating that girl, (though I had thought of asking her to make it official, I didn't), I had a Whatsapp message from 'her'... And my feelings went over the rainbows...
She had asked me to help her in her studies by providing the Melawati house for her to study in as a change in environment because she felt the need for it. The feelings I had, when we first confessed to each other through Skype, was amazing. And I had the exact feelings when that happened. Probably not as strong as before, but it was immense happiness. It was tough, but I was dating the other girl and I felt like I couldn't cheat on her or lie to her... So I eventually turned her down on her request..

Since that day, I kept thinking of her every single day... That was roughly... August 2014? Until today, I have tried to make it a point for me to say something to her everyday..

We had met two times... Once, was on October... 2 days after our 'supposed' anniversary.. 2 days after Tina... My doberman who had been with me for a decade... Half my entire life she was with me.. I still miss her so much.. When she passed away.......
....
I'm sorry, but it still hurts... I'll leave that story for another post..

When we met on the 6th of October, we managed to talk for a bit... And I had confessed once again that I liked her. We talked about it over dinner... And she clarified that she doesn't feel the same way as she used to towards me anymore...

But even though I know that fact, I still don't want to give up on her... I don't know why. Its been a year since the breakup... Yet, I still want her in my life... So badly... It can't just be the memories of having a girlfriend that I miss because if it WAS that, then my rebound would have sufficed more than enough because she was even willing to give her pride away for me... (I'll leave that for another post as well).

Lately, she's been ignoring my messages to her.. But again, if there was anything I had learned, its to not assume things that could lead me astray from the truth. And that I shouldn't assume things because it may be very untrue... Its a scar I have in my heart, that I want to keep forever so I don't mess anything as much anymore... Hopefully, I never will.

19th January 2014

Hello readers :). Today has started off rather dull, not too bad though. My throat however is still quite sore from the wine and puking last night but apart from that all is well?
I had mac donalds for lunch just now and it was good~ I haven't eaten their Mc Chicken in ages! I recently (over the past 3 years) switched from Mc Chicken to Spicy Chicken Mc Delux and although its delicious, its really filling. So yeah, 2 days in a row I missed out of my breakfast. I don't think I've stated this out in my previous posts, but my breakfast is quite weird?

Well, it started off years ago when I was still in primary school, standard 1 or 2 if i'm not mistaken when my breakfast used to be cereal whether it was corn flakes, or honey stars. But after seeing my eldest bro eat half boiled eggs, I tried it and not only did I enjoy it, it was so easy to eat! *more like drink*. It takes less than 2 minutes to finish breakfast that can last me through the entire day at school! And it stuck with me ever since. Until today, almost 10 years later, eggs have been my breakfast everyday without fail unless under certain circumstances. The only problem with this, is that you have to wake up earlier to boil the water, and hey whats the big deal with that right? You're gonna wake up to shower, so instead of going straight to the bathroom, boil the water and place the eggs there :). Take a nice shower and when you get out its ready to be gulped down :D.

Its night, and I can't really remember much of what happened... Mainly because I've been stressing for the past few hours. Remember the birthday plan I was stressing about this week? Yeah, i was told that she had dinner plans with her parents so i cancelled it... And just a few hours ago, I asked her if she had plans she said no... Like wtf. Now i'm last minute planning EVERYTHING again. So pissed off right now. I really don't know anymore laaa. I just wanna sit at a corner and cry...

Honestly, from that 1 mistake, it created havoc. Seriously, I can't believe it..
I seriously don't know what to do now. I don't know what I can do! Her friend already has plans =.='. And now I've got to adjust the original plan to fit her plan?

Fuck me man. I called her late. And apparently was the 5th person to wish her happy birthday. Great! She's definitely pissed off at me. This is showing less initiative! How am I being a good boyfriend to her if I can't do a simple job as to be the first to wish her!?!? God damnit! She's not happy :(. I know it.. I'm seriously hoping tomorrow, will make a difference. Tomorrow, hopefully she'll see me differently... Hopefully she won't think I'm not trying... Hopefully... I really don't want her to be upset... More than she already is...



(This was drafted on 19th of January 2014... I'm not sure why I didn't publish it, but I'm doing it now)